BIG TIPS

JANUARY 1, 1999 GAY PEOPLE's ChronICLE 13

What do I say when compliments make me uneasy?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

A few months ago, as avid readers may already be aware, I moved to a new house. Since my initial suspicions about a possible haunting were laid to rest, it's been smooth sailing. And what have I been sailing past, on my varied jaunts through my new neighborhood? Thrift stores. Mmmm.

I used to live in an affluent neighborhood, where there were a few thrift stores that were small and inevitably picked over by hipsters and resellers. Now I'm in a veritable thrift district, and every day I go past a huge Goodwill on my way to my daily labors.

Recently there's been a lot of hullabaloo about the mainstreaming (and consequent death) of thrifting. The Salvation Army stores are repositioning themselves to compete with Target and Wal-Mart instead of other thrifts, and the mainstream's increased interest in economy has transformed "used" into "previously owned," meaning that I have to compete with more and more folks for the goods.

But you know what? If you're looking for items other than regular clothing or vintage vinyl, the scores are still there. Last week found my third crocheted beer can hat. The hunt may be more intense, but that just makes the victories sweeter.

Dear Big Tipper,

I swear I'm not full of myself or conceited, but I get told several times a day how pretty I am, and I never know what to say. It's usually embarrassing, and I don't know why people feel like they need to say this to me.

It's especially bad when I'm with my friends, and a guy comes up and starts saying it and flirting with me. I'm out, but don't always feel like announcing to the world that I'm a dyke, but it sure seems like it would keep the guys away. What do I say to these people?

Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue

Dear Isn't She Lovely,

Now matter what the comment is, it can feel disconcerting or invasive to be remarked upon, even if the person is being complimentary.

The first response to a compliment from a person who's not trying to "make it wit choo" is to simply say thank you. It's brief, doesn't draw unnecessary attention to the incident, and is polite.

If someone is being an annoying flirt, and being surrounded by lesbians doesn't drive him off, tell him you're not interested in hearing it. If you're on the street, on someone is bugging you, ignore him or tell him to shut up, depending on your comfort level.

HBO film looks at lesbian and gay workplace bias

The first-ever documentary about lesbian and gay workplace discrimination will première on HBO January 6 at 10:30 p.m, as part of the documentary series "America Undercover."

The groundbreaking film Out at Work is produced, written and directed by Tami Gold and Kelly Anderson, and narrated by retired Colonel Margerethe Cammermeyer, who recently lost her bid for a congresIsional seat in Washington state.

Cammermeryer fought her own battle against workplace discrimination in 1992, when she was dismissed from the armed forces because of her sexual orientation. The film uses case studies of two gay men and one lesbian who confronted discrimination in their workplaces and took action against it.

Cheryl Summerville worked as a cook at a Cracker Barrel restaurant in Georgia until she was fired under a corporate policy stating that they would no longer employ those "whose sexual preference

failed to demonstrate normal heterosexual values."

Mark Anderson, a trainee at the Los Angeles branch of a prestigious securities trading firm, was fired when rumors began to spread that he was gay.

Finally, Ron Woods, a third-generation auto worker in Detroit, was physically attacked by co-workers and management after they learned he was gay. He then sued Chrysler, alleging that they had failed to provide a safe work environment.

"Even now, in the 90s, there is a seriously shocking climate of intolerance, discrimination, and violence against gays and lesbians, which extends into the workplace," said co-director Gold. “Out At Work raises critical issues about workplace rights and, ultimately, the human rights of us all."

From information provided by GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defa-

mation.

I've been on the receiving end of street remarks that range from violent to sweet and flattering. When a man in D.C. told me that he had a "pretty big-ass woman at home himself," I told him to go home and hit on her, and he laughed.

As women, it's not our responsibility to defuse unwanted attention, but at this point we need to deal with it, and it makes me feel less eternally put upon to distinguish between what is just annoying and what's actually threatening.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a problem, and would love some of your insight. My boyfriend is a massage therapist, and works out of an office in our home. He works about half-time, and has pretty much fallen into the role of cleaner and cooker since he's home during the day, and actually enjoys those things more than I do.

We've got a good, communicative relationship, and I feel like we've figured out a good balance of bill paying, and splitting the nasty house jobs so that neither one of us feels guilty or taken advantage of. Now I'm trying to find a peaceful way to deal with this problem to maintain the relative harmony we enjoy.

He's a much more health-oriented person than I am. We both go to gyms, but he also runs and plays basketball.

To get to the point, the food he cooks is very healthy, and sometimes it's not enough, or satisfying, because he's always cutting out more and more oil, and making salads with light dressing, and serving half-cup servings of rice because that's what a serving is supposed to be.

I would just love to come home to a steaming dish of macaroni and cheese some day. This trend seems to be escalating, and I want to talk to him, but I don't want to feel like I don't appreciate his cooking. It also seems hard to explain wanting food that's worse for me. What can I tell him?

Cheese Please

Dear Lead Me Not Into Tempeh,

Food feeds more than our cells, doesn't it? It feeds our souls. It can remind us of

Vinge Wines

614.443.0911

our childhood, family events like birthdays, relatives or friends who ate Bugles with us, or made great cookies. It can definitely be a comfort in its familiarity.

This is one of the reasons why it's hard to change our eating habits: Change means unfamiliarity, and can make us feel loss or deprivation. So if he's interested in jacking the family health, doing it all in one fell swoop may be rash.

If you don't feel like telling him that the current food isn't exactly what you want, try cooking yourself one or two nights a week. Or cooking together a few nights a week. It might mean eating a little later, but it can be fun to work together on a meal.

If you're a magazine-head, get subscriptions to Cooking Light and Bon Appetit and mix and match recipes. You can adapt less healthful ones to be more sensitive to his desire for less fat. You can do the same by picking up some cookbooks.

Do keep an eye peeled for further escalation of this sort of thing by him. Is he exercising more and more? Eating less? If you're supposed to have 7 or 8 servings a day of something, say grains, at dinner you could have 3 or 4 servings of rice. If he's shorting himself constantly, he may have an eating disorder, which is unfortunately more and more common in gay

men.

And you know what? Most of all, just talk with him. Use your honed communication skills while you're making dinner together, and maybe you can make something you both love.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-a-brac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

HAYA KANSER CHAR

'Gifts to Go

Always in Good Taste

787 S. High Street

Columbus (In Historic German Village)

LAAS BEEN GRA LALKAN NAME ALIENS

الميت ان اناستا

1999

AND GOOD

CHEER

FOR THE NEW

YEAR

TO ALL OF OUR FRIENDS FROM

THE GUYS AT

BODY LANGUAGE

PAUL, DANN, STEVEN, KEN, MIKE & CHRIS

ntical.com

HUROPE OPTIUAL

Dr. Mark Davis, O.D. 19115 Detroit Rd Rocky River, OH 440.895.3030